Threeboy
08-05-2003, 10:19 PM
Got these from my friend, they used to run them on SNL
Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)
=========
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
=========
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
=========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
=========
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
=========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.
=========
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
=========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
=========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
=========
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
=========
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
=========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
=========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
=========
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
=========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is
mankind.
=========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
=========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
=========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
=========
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
=========
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
=========
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."
=========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
=========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
=========
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had
bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had
whittled off
the paint.
=========
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.
=========
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me?
=========
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you.
=========
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
=========
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
=========
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
=========
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
=========
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
scared.
=========
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
=========
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
=========
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."
Deep Thoughts (by Jack Handey)
=========
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
=========
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
=========
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
=========
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going
to take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down."
He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
=========
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
face.
=========
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I bet
the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it shoot
farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
=========
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute
thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
=========
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
=========
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
=========
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
=========
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
=========
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
=========
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
=========
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind."
What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is
mankind.
=========
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
=========
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of
honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
=========
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And
I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
=========
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in
the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
=========
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
=========
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
corner."
=========
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like
I am now.
=========
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started
wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
=========
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had
bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had
whittled off
the paint.
=========
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet
it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.
=========
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me?
=========
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while
you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it
on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell
you.
=========
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon.
But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd look out your
little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in that."
=========
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
=========
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not add
a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
=========
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
=========
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing
each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got
scared.
=========
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed me
a lot of money."
=========
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
=========
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the
watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw
skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This watering hole
is reserved for skeletons."